Month: March 2018

Can one be angry and have God’s peace at the same time? A lot of folks that I have asked this question say “no”, but I feel the answer is “yes” and here’s why…
I’m experiencing both God’s peace and anger at the same time now and I’m not bipolar, therefore one must be able to have both! lol! (and, that’s NOT a pun or stab against anyone that does have bipolar!….just my sick sense of humor!!).
I do have God’s peace – I trust Him completely and see Him working miracles on a daily basis in my life. However, I do get angry – not bitter, just angry at times.
I see the hand of God – more importantly – FEEL God in my life. He brings me great blessings, comfort, and hope on the daily. Yet, do I get angry that my hubby has a terminal illness? Yep! Do I get angry when I’m feeling judged? Yep! Do I always handle it well? Nope! Sometimes I’m a big jerk! Other times, I withdraw so that I don’t offend or lash out at anyone. I don’t mean to get angry, but life is hard and sometimes life stinks! And, I sometimes forget to thank God for the “speed bumps” and get a little mad…ok, sometimes a whole lot mad! So, what makes me mad? Well, for instance, my hubby’s illness requires him to wear oxygen during activity, which has resulted in him having a handicap parking pass because it fatigues him to walk a great distance. Yesterday was sunny, so we headed out of town to a home improvement store to look at landscape rocks/pavers to get ideas for a new project. The garden area entrance/exit wasn’t open yet requiring folks to enter another door. When we went to park we noticed that the store has now added “in” and “out” signs which required us to enter the building in the complete opposite end of the store than the garden area. Hubby stated he was up for a little jaunt anyway so we decided to enter. We pace ourselves and get into the garden area all to discover folks are not permitted into the area yet where the landscaping rocks are. Mad? YES! I was mad at the inconvenience for hubby and grew even more mad when attempting to exit, one must have to wait in line at a check out to gain access to the “out” door. I’m thinking this store must have a lot of issue with shoplifting, but what an inconvenience – and it caused hubby much unnecessary fatigue! I greatly struggle with folks who are “complaining” about their mate.  While it’s none of my business, yet they kinda make it mine when complaining, but I typically reply, “sorry you’re having difficulty” or “I’ll pray for you”, but what I’d really like to say is “huh, sorry you can’t see the good in your mate….mine has a lot of flaws, so do I, but funny how those flaws really don’t interfere with my life when I think about him dying”!  Another example is when someone says, “well he could call me”, when referencing he or she hasn’t talked to hubby for a bit. HELLO?! Did you forget the man struggles with feeling good on the daily? There are often days that he doesn’t do much of anything because he is suffering from fatigue. Fatigue is NOT being lazy – it is a physical incapacity to complete what one would like to do because they simply do not feel well. Pick up the phone to place a call to say “hey” or send a text. Let a person know that you love and care for them. Oh, I’m well aware some of these things are trivial and really shouldn’t be a big deal, but one of my identified strengths is caring for others – therefore, when my loved ones are inconvenienced or hurt, I want to fix it and make their world all better. Unfortunately, when someone has a terminal illness, fixing isn’t possible! Therefore, day to day we get to make the most of the day, savor the moments, and continue to treasure one another. So, there’s where the peace of God comes in! I trust. I rely. I praise. I’m grateful. I’m thankful. I’m sometimes very sad. However, I must realize that in the gift of all of this, I’m learning to be more authentic, forgiving, and grace-giving. Do I mess up? Oh, yeah! All the dang time, which is why I pray all the time for strength, for God-honoring speech, for grace-giving — and grace-receiving. And, let me side-bar here….before I get another email or comment from a loved one who feels I’m focusing on the hubby dying…..well, do not judge me!  Unless you have walked in these shoes just SHUT UP!  I don’t focus on the end of his life.  However, when he has a bad breathing day or there’s another medical test/appointment approaching it kind of just smacks me in the face….so, yeah, I do focus on it from time to time, but not every single day!!  I read a quote from Nicki Koziarz, of Proverbs 31, today that really captures how I’m currently living/feeling…. “God doesn’t meet us at perfection. He meets us where we are in our process toward receiving His promises.” Life is messy! I used to try hard at keeping the fake facade of looking like I had it all together. I surely don’t! Life is messy. Life is sad. Life is chaotic. Life is in and out of balance, at times. Life is good. Life is happy. Life is opportunity. Opportunity to live life large, open, serving, and loving. Is it sad that my hubby has an illness? Yes. Would I change my life for another journey to have lived? NO! I’m blessed and I’m committed to living life out loud – large – loving – and for Him!

Music has always been an integral part of my life!  I was in the church choir, which I absolutely loved!  I played clarinet from 5th grade through sophomore year of college and played piano for my high school years.  I excelled at clarinet and it’s what got me through school, well what got me through school was the influence of a special band director, piano teacher, and the opportunities music opened for me.  I love to dance, sing, and listen to music.  While I’ll admit ELO, The Eagles, BonJovi, the Bee Gees are still some of my favorites.  I don’t really listen to much secular music anymore.  I haven’t for several years.  I just find worship music feeds my soul.  However, I still MUST listen to Jim Brickman very often – I just find the piano music to be so soothing.  Of course, I listen to a lot of classical music too, but only if it’s a recording of one of my nieces performances!  A song that came out several years ago by Matthew West entitled “Forgiveness” has completely changed my life!  I loved it from the moment I heard it.  I love the lyrics and the tune, so much so that I would catch myself humming it often.  About the time the song came out I lost a very close friend due to hurtful words and actions on both of our parts.  Looking back now, to have a fifteen year friendship severed of two supposed Christian women is just really sad – sad because both got an “attitude” with the other and sad that we didn’t turn to our Father in heaven for guidance; which is actually a largely missed opportunity.  While I still believe that relationship ended because of actions on both sides, I see now that I was not giving grace – forgiveness – or acceptance to all who were in my life.  I was a hypocrite!  I was being, especially, very judgmental of my sister and other “sisters” in my life.  If someone hurt my feelings, instead of turning the other cheek as God instructs, I got an attitude.  If someone hurt one of my loved one’s or someone I cared about, I got an even bigger attitude.  And, yah, I’ll admit, while I was quoting biblical instruction, serving other’s, attending church, and singing worship songs I was not living out grace, mercy, acceptance, or forgiveness.  I am so very thankful though that God got a hold of my heart and changed that.  I am grateful that God didn’t give up on me and that He kept orchestrating opportunity after opportunity for me to hear and learn about forgiveness.  And, yes, then I had an “aha moment” and it was while listening to “Forgiveness” that it all finally “clicked” and the Holy Spirit guided me into forgiving and letting go of the score card I kept that “justified” my “attitude”.  I prayed on my knees that day and asked Jesus to help me not to be a hypocrite, to give me courage to just let the hurt go away – really let it go and not stuff it, and to grant other’s forgiveness as my heavenly father gave to me when I accepted Him into my heart AND gives to me every single day when I sin – cause I do!  I makes tons of mistakes, bad choices, say the wrong thing and am basically an unfinished mess of a work in progress every single day!  And, you know what the really cool thing about forgiveness is – it’s so dang freeing I want to “Denozo slap” myself for not doing it sooner in my life!  I wasted a lot of time and have had a lot of missed opportunity because I copped an attitude and didn’t forgive someone, therefore I didn’t get to have an authentic relationship during that an entire time with the person.  Dumb!  Just dumb!  As the song says:  “it’ll clear the bitterness away, it can even set a prisoner free, there is no end to what its power can do, so let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace – THE PRISONER THAT IT REALLY FREES IS YOU!  Do you get that?  When being unforgiving I was a prisoner of my own bitterness, hate, anger, etc….. but, when I chose to forgive – truly forgive I became FREE!  And, please don’t misinterpret this….I’m not on a high and mighty kick here….and, I don’t do this perfectly….I still get an attitude and don’t always give grace when I should, I was born with sassy britches on!….but with the help of Jesus, I’m getting better!  And, living FREE is so worth swallowing the big monster fur-ball of unforgiveness – the monster of bitterness, anger, resentment….just.let.it.go!  Easier said than done!  But so worth the work of doing so!!  So, I’m going to leave you with a challenge….in two weeks we’re celebrating Jesus’ resurrection.  He died on the cross for me…..for you….for all of us – the sinners that we are.  He wants you to come to Him.  So, google Matthew West’s song….listen to it, read the lyrics, and open your heart to let.it.go!….whatever you’re holding on to just let it go!  And, then google another one of my faves….Crowder’s “Come as You Are”…..in which it says “lay down your hurt, lay down your heart, come as you are”.  It’s a powerful, powerful song – life changing, yet all so easy – lay all of it a the foot of the cross and let Jesus take it so you may be FREE.

July 2017 was my last post.  OK, so I’m not a serious blogger!  I really don’t like that term…I really see myself more as a “sharer”!  I like to share with other’s!  I like to be an encourager.  I like to be a prayer-er!  I like to be a leader.  I like to be a cooker….as in serve meals for others.  I like to make people feel good.  I’ve sat down to write a post more times than I can count, but I really don’t have much to say….or, do I?!  OK, yah, I always have a lot to say!  I did have a friend recently ask me to write more.  She thinks I have great wisdom!  She must be very sheltered! ha, ha!  So, where do I start?  Well, since my last post talked about my husband and his illness, I guess an update is a good place to start!

He’s doing “ok”!  As I mentioned, he has a progressive, terminal lung disease. So, by “ok”, I mean he is not worse, but he is not better either.  He hasn’t had any hospital admissions, no upper respiratory infections, and no episodic flares, so in all he’s in pretty good shape for the shape he’s in!  It’s been a long winter for him, though.  I see him getting down from time to time with not being able to just go do whatever he’d like.  We’ve avoided a lot of public crowds, restaurants, movie theaters, etc due to the influenza season being a large risk for him.  Therefore, we’ve had a lot of quality time at home together.  That’s been a good thing – we really like one another! 🙂  However, when my job gets busy and extra time is required, I tend to have a big dose of the “guilts” when I need to work longer hours and leave him at home, alone.   He’s looking forward to spring when he can get outside more and enjoy nature.  He has lung function studies in April and a check up in May (the check up comes every three months!), so more information may come, or not!  It’s like you can’t wait to get a check up over because you wonder what news is going to be shared, yet you dread it all at the same time!  I used to have a lot of anxiety leading up to the appointments, but I’ve developed a pattern now – the week leading up to the appointment I leave a lot of white space in my schedule so I have more concentrated time with God and my hubby.  In addition, we now build in a stop for coffee or a meal immediately following to talk and process with one another and we PAUSE in prayer to thank God for a dedicated medical team and ask for continued strength on the journey.  In my last post I shared how fixing my eyes on Jesus has made such a world of difference in my life, and that remains so true, but I have also found such comfort in serving other’s.  I have a family that God connected me with that I just adore and love to help.  I really don’t do THAT much for them, just a meal a few times a month, but they always seem so excited to see me.  I adore the children – especially the one little boy who refers to my meals as a “complete meal”! lol!…I suppose because I always take dessert?!  I just feel so joyful and elevated after blessing them.  I have a dear friend that has a standard line that I have adopted (well, honestly I’ve stolen it from her!)….she prays “use me mightily, Lord”….. “for your glory”….. I pray that daily – sometimes multiple times a day and the more He uses me, the greater I feel – the stronger I feel – the more “complete” I feel.  It’s my identity….helping other’s.  So, while I’ll admit, my “blogging”…. Sharing!…. may be a bit forced right now, I do feel called, lead….I pray that this, too, will help other’s – or, at least ONE other!  I’m beginning a new Bible study in a few weeks that I’m so excited about it, and with the sign up came a few free downloads.  One of the download “quotes” that has no reference, so I’m just going to share it with you:  “I want to be used by God, more than I want to belong to this world”.  Wow!  That’s now hanging in my office, in my home office, in my bedroom and in my phone to remind me of the Joy and Peace that comes from serving and fixing my eyes on Him, not of this world.

I must sign off, for now, as I have my usual Sunday-getting-ready-for-the-week things to do! But, please don’t misinterpret any of what I’ve just shared.  I by no means have it all together!  I do have it more together than I did one year ago, two years ago, etc…., but I’m still a mess and I’m still a work in progress.  I still have days where Satan finds a way to worm anxiety, fear, and terror into me.  I still have days when choosing joys is the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard!  I still have days that I want to pull the covers over my head and not face one single person – cuz if I did I’d probably rip their face off or not be very “light” shining!  TRUTH!  Yet, what I am learning, is to be kind to myself. When I have those days, I’m not honest with myself and those around me.  Oh, I may not share the intimate feelings I’m having, but I remove myself from a situation in which I don’t feel I will be fed, or where I will leave a positive deposit.  I give myself permission to just “BE” and when I choose to do that, I get into the Bible – the WORD is where I will find the strength to choose joy and choose to shine my light for Him the next day, or the next day after that (yah, I’m not the sharpest crayon, so sometimes it takes me a couple of days to get back into the game!).  So, for those of you who really enjoy hearing me ramble, I leave you with this….Fix your Eyes on HIM!  And, BE ONE for someone else….it’s helps put that “feel good” into you AND it shines your light for HIM!

Until next time….. SHINE! 🙂