Anger…

Can one be angry and have God’s peace at the same time? A lot of folks that I have asked this question say “no”, but I feel the answer is “yes” and here’s why…
I’m experiencing both God’s peace and anger at the same time now and I’m not bipolar, therefore one must be able to have both! lol! (and, that’s NOT a pun or stab against anyone that does have bipolar!….just my sick sense of humor!!).
I do have God’s peace – I trust Him completely and see Him working miracles on a daily basis in my life. However, I do get angry – not bitter, just angry at times.
I see the hand of God – more importantly – FEEL God in my life. He brings me great blessings, comfort, and hope on the daily. Yet, do I get angry that my hubby has a terminal illness? Yep! Do I get angry when I’m feeling judged? Yep! Do I always handle it well? Nope! Sometimes I’m a big jerk! Other times, I withdraw so that I don’t offend or lash out at anyone. I don’t mean to get angry, but life is hard and sometimes life stinks! And, I sometimes forget to thank God for the “speed bumps” and get a little mad…ok, sometimes a whole lot mad! So, what makes me mad? Well, for instance, my hubby’s illness requires him to wear oxygen during activity, which has resulted in him having a handicap parking pass because it fatigues him to walk a great distance. Yesterday was sunny, so we headed out of town to a home improvement store to look at landscape rocks/pavers to get ideas for a new project. The garden area entrance/exit wasn’t open yet requiring folks to enter another door. When we went to park we noticed that the store has now added “in” and “out” signs which required us to enter the building in the complete opposite end of the store than the garden area. Hubby stated he was up for a little jaunt anyway so we decided to enter. We pace ourselves and get into the garden area all to discover folks are not permitted into the area yet where the landscaping rocks are. Mad? YES! I was mad at the inconvenience for hubby and grew even more mad when attempting to exit, one must have to wait in line at a check out to gain access to the “out” door. I’m thinking this store must have a lot of issue with shoplifting, but what an inconvenience – and it caused hubby much unnecessary fatigue! I greatly struggle with folks who are “complaining” about their mate.  While it’s none of my business, yet they kinda make it mine when complaining, but I typically reply, “sorry you’re having difficulty” or “I’ll pray for you”, but what I’d really like to say is “huh, sorry you can’t see the good in your mate….mine has a lot of flaws, so do I, but funny how those flaws really don’t interfere with my life when I think about him dying”!  Another example is when someone says, “well he could call me”, when referencing he or she hasn’t talked to hubby for a bit. HELLO?! Did you forget the man struggles with feeling good on the daily? There are often days that he doesn’t do much of anything because he is suffering from fatigue. Fatigue is NOT being lazy – it is a physical incapacity to complete what one would like to do because they simply do not feel well. Pick up the phone to place a call to say “hey” or send a text. Let a person know that you love and care for them. Oh, I’m well aware some of these things are trivial and really shouldn’t be a big deal, but one of my identified strengths is caring for others – therefore, when my loved ones are inconvenienced or hurt, I want to fix it and make their world all better. Unfortunately, when someone has a terminal illness, fixing isn’t possible! Therefore, day to day we get to make the most of the day, savor the moments, and continue to treasure one another. So, there’s where the peace of God comes in! I trust. I rely. I praise. I’m grateful. I’m thankful. I’m sometimes very sad. However, I must realize that in the gift of all of this, I’m learning to be more authentic, forgiving, and grace-giving. Do I mess up? Oh, yeah! All the dang time, which is why I pray all the time for strength, for God-honoring speech, for grace-giving — and grace-receiving. And, let me side-bar here….before I get another email or comment from a loved one who feels I’m focusing on the hubby dying…..well, do not judge me!  Unless you have walked in these shoes just SHUT UP!  I don’t focus on the end of his life.  However, when he has a bad breathing day or there’s another medical test/appointment approaching it kind of just smacks me in the face….so, yeah, I do focus on it from time to time, but not every single day!!  I read a quote from Nicki Koziarz, of Proverbs 31, today that really captures how I’m currently living/feeling…. “God doesn’t meet us at perfection. He meets us where we are in our process toward receiving His promises.” Life is messy! I used to try hard at keeping the fake facade of looking like I had it all together. I surely don’t! Life is messy. Life is sad. Life is chaotic. Life is in and out of balance, at times. Life is good. Life is happy. Life is opportunity. Opportunity to live life large, open, serving, and loving. Is it sad that my hubby has an illness? Yes. Would I change my life for another journey to have lived? NO! I’m blessed and I’m committed to living life out loud – large – loving – and for Him!

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