Wow! I can’t believe that I haven’t written anything since April 2020, but to be honest, I haven’t even thought about doing so either, as I’ve been preoccupied! And, really, “preoccupied” is an understatement! When I last wrote my husband and I were for the most part, “homebound”, due to stay at home orders our State was under. My husband, was more “homebound” due to his health condition and being immune compromised. We did everything in our power to prevent him from catching the COVID-19 virus and, for the most part, we were successful. I worked from home for several months and we made the best of the tough situation we were in. It was great that we had a nice spring, summer, and fall, so we did a lot of things outside. We were able to meet with family and friends until the fall brought too cold of temps to do so, then we did many virtual activities, like birthday parties, holidays, all via virtual offerings. We did many video chats and did so regularly with family so we could remain in as much “personal” contact as possible. A very special young fella in my life doesn’t even really know how to do a “regular” phone call, he will only “do” video chats because “he needs to see your face”!!! LOL! I appreciate that he’s so passionate about that at his tender age and I hope he keeps the desire for that personal contact as he grows.
In early spring of 2021, as the vaccine became readily available, we got my husband registered so that he could get his just as soon as it was available. He was so excited to get his vaccine because he knew it would get him reconnected with having personal contact with family and friends. I won’t share which vaccine he got, as it is irrelevant, but unfortunately five days following his second shot he got very sick and died three days later. Some said it was “inevitable”, but no it wasn’t! Yes, he had a serious disease that in time would take his life, but he had been maintaining throughout COVID and his death came as a complete shock! I feel grateful that in the second day of his hospitalization that he and I were able to see one another, talk, and ask to be transferred to Hospice. As hopeful as we were, once he was transferred to the Hospice facility, he had rapid decline, wasn’t able to talk, and only lived 24 hours after being admitted to Hospice. God’s timing was incredible though, as many facilities had begun to “relax” their COVID protocols and the very day he was admitted the Hospice facility had begun to allow spouses to remain throughout the night. While that night was agonizing, because it was just us and I was basically watching him slowly transition, it was an incredible blessing to be allowed to be together. After all, it had always been just the two of us for 34.5 years! I had on-going dialogue with God throughout that night, as I held my soul mates hand and allowed my heart to be shattered and vulnerable, while completely dependent on God to carry me, hold me together, and download strength that can only come from Him. God blessed me with answered prayer, as well. Fear was brewing about COVID back in early spring of 2020 and I was very scared. I had been hearing the horror stories on the news about people suffering and dying alone ~ something that I was afraid would happen to him and I fervently prayed that would not happen. On April 1, 2020, I wrote the following in my journal: “I just want his life to end beautifully and filled with love and care”. THAT prayer was granted! He was cared for, well, at Hospice and every staff person that he and I encountered treated us lovingly and respectfully. But, that’s not all! God granted my sister, a Hospice nurse, and me with a divine experience that would only come from Him. As my husband began to transition and death was near, while his favorite hymn “Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)” played, he began to move his legs (as in walking up stair steps), and as “my chains are gone” came out of the speaker he lifted his hands toward the ceiling (HEAVEN!!!), and passed while we were worshipping over him singing along with the hymn playing (I hope we sounded angelic!!). PRAYER ANSWERED!! “I just want his life to end beautifully….”…. I don’t know how more beautiful his last breaths could have been! That answered prayer gave me such peace ~ truly peace that surpasses all human understanding. Yes, my heart was (is still) shattered, but the peace God blessed me with is unquestionable and, honestly, unexplainable. I have never known such an elevated level of peace before in my life.
In my blog of April 18, 2020, I referred to the following verse as my “go to” verse for the season I was in at that time: Philippians 4: 6 & 7: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (emphasis mine) I never imagined that my “go to” would become so vividly illustrated in my life as it did in Spring of 2021. I’m grateful. I’m amazed. I’m shattered. I’m rocked to the core. I’m incredibly blessed. And, as I write this thirteen months later, I’m healing. Very early stages of healing. Still broken, that sometimes still feels shattered, yet peace still remains. I have peace that still exceeds anything I will ever be able to understand.
I have to admit that I now have an additional “go to” verse that has carried me through the past thirteen months and “coincidentally” (nah, there are really no coincidences!!) on the cover of my journal that I started writing in late 2019, right before the pandemic hit! Joshua 1:9: “be strong and courageous! the Lord your God is with you wherever you go”. (emphasis mine) This verse that I had seen on the cover of my journal for over a year before my husband’s homegoing came to me as I prayed over him immediately after his passing. I prayed to my Jesus with thanks…..thank you for the years of amazing love with my soulmate, thank you for bringing him to me nearly 35 years before, thank you for the blessed life we had, thank you for not allowing him to suffer, thank you for answering all of my prayers perfectly. I remember at some point that prayer turning to a little “pep rally” for myself and telling God that I would share my husband’s beautiful death story, that I would honor my soulmate and my God by continuing to serve for God’s glory, and I recall ending with saying these words out loud, then, and in my head nearly every day since: “I can do this! God, I can do this with you! Holy Spirit infiltrate me with God’s purpose for me! Jesus, take the wheel! For your glory, God!”
I’m really not all that comfortable sharing all of this deeply personal experience, but for months I have felt God nudging me. I hear “tell the story” often. I do NOT enjoy being vulnerable, nor do I enjoy admitting my vulnerability, but if even one person hears the story, or anything else I have to tell, and solidifies a relationship with Jesus …. well, it will all be worth it. ALL FOR HIM!
So, it is my intent to share more often than I have the last several years. When God calls me to it, you’ll find me here! Otherwise, I’ll just be a “Jesus girl trying to do every day life”! I’m sure even if you can’t relate to being a widow, you can relate with that….right?! So, stay tuned….there’s got to be more to come, as I figure out my purpose in this calling, but for now, how about meditating on one of the verses I shared above. I’d love to hear your “go to” in the comments.
If you relate music, I have a “go to” song that you may enjoy meditating on, too: “Truth I’m Standing On” by Leanna Crawford. I pray it touches you, as it has touched me.
Thanks for stopping by!