I’m back! I had a great Easter weekend! Did you? We went to church on Saturday evening with our family, followed by a nice dinner out. On Sunday morning I woke feeling excited and grateful for a day planned with family and eagerly prepared my food and drink to share at our family gathering. I had hoped that I would continue to feel renewed following that day, but I didn’t. And, here’s your warning, this is gonna get really “real”! In fact, so real, that I considered changing the settings on this blog back to private, but I’m stepping out to be real, authentic, and transparent; and I’m leaving it public. I am not ashamed to say that I have been struggling – big time! I am thankful for other bloggers, authors, friends, and my Lord and Savior for sharing words of wisdom, encouragement, truth – Biblical truth, that is, and just some really authentic and genuine love; so I’m going to be brave, I’m going to leave this public, in an effort to bring glory and honor to God (first and foremost) and so that if what I share can be of a little encouragement to someone else, then the entire goal of starting this blog long ago will be accomplished! So, here goes:
I have been in such a pit of despair, hurt, inner-turmoil, and sadness! I do not know when it began – maybe my whole life?!, but I hit rock bottom last Saturday! And, it was over the mere suggestion of going out for breakfast to my favorite breakfast spot! ok…so maybe I’m just a goofy girl trapped in an overweight, old woman’s body! Don’t know. Don’t care. It is what it is! It’s me. It happened. And, I’m not gonna be ashamed. And, let me just give another disclaimer here. This is not gonna be a fairy tale story of miraculous fixing and I’m all joyful. I’m not out of my pit, but I’m climbing out and I do intend to reach the top and set my feet on firm foundation very soon! So, back to last Saturday. Who knew one could completely “lose it” over going out for breakfast!?! Aren’t emotions just WEIRD!?! To make a long story short – I collected myself, got a shower and went to breakfast, but not before texting my very best girlfriend with a “please pray, I’ve hit bottom, and I’m a hot mess”. Thankfully she’s not an over reactionary person, so she prayed, checked on me throughout the day, and kept praying. And, I made it through the day!! So, here it is, nearly a week later and where am on this journey?
Well, I’m writing! I’ve taken a much needed day off from work! And, I’ve spent the week trying to heal. I’ve had a bladder infection and migraine all week from all of this emotional turmoil, but I’m determined to get my feet on solid ground and I’m working on a plan to just heal! Thankfully, my friend’s care and my husband’s never-ending love was my life line – RESUSCITATION! Today, I am physically feeling better and mentally stronger. So now, I need to for my plan to RENEW! One week from today, I will turn ….. 50….. yikes, that nifty number of 50….. ugh…. I’ve been dreading it….actually haven’t even been able to say it for months, but I’ve decided I might as well embrace it – ignoring something never makes it go away! It’s not a vanity thing….I really don’t care about getting wrinkles and gray hair, nor am I afraid to die…. I’m looking forward to going to my eternal home whenever God calls me. However, I do fear becoming a widow and with me turning 50, my husband will turn 70 (yes, he robbed the cradle!)! I realize turning 70 isn’t a death sentence, so don’t start making comments about me being silly!, but my hubby has had some health issues that has made me consider what will the future hold. And, then, thankfully at the bottom of my pit last weekend it finally soaked in that I need to STOP the madness and quite worrying about the future…. God knows what the future holds, He will take care of the details, and I just need to STOP and TRUST! Logically I know all of this, but then I allow Satan to get a hold of my thoughts and emotions and, well, I get what I’m in….. despair, sadness, anxiety, and no good…..plain. and. simple. So, what’s my plan to RENEW? Well, last Friday, April 1, I began my birthday-palooza-month! A group of friends celebrated my and another friends birthdays. We had lots of good food, good wine, laughter, and the time was not missing love – isn’t it amazing how God has woven our hearts to really care for one another? And, gifts! Oh, there were cool party favors, and I know while these are smart ladies they didn’t plan their gifts to have a theme, but in looking back on the day God was speaking through all of them to me. I got a beautiful plant – an orange Klavanox, or something like that!, and a beautiful planter of crocus, tulips, daffodils, and hyacinths. I can’t wait for them to bloom and I have a spot picked out to transplant the bulbs so that I have a special spring bloom area under my very favorite tree in our yard. And, then, I received a dahlia bulb, too! I can’t wait to plant it in my garden and enjoy the blooms this summer. Of course, I got chocolate, books, and lovely cards, too! It was perfect! God was breathing RENEWAL through each of those ladies and I’m so grateful to have each of them in my life!
Tomorrow I’ll continue my “palooza” when I travel with some of my family out-of-state to attend a symphony performance – I love all kinds of music, so I’m very excited! Then, next week on my birthday I plan to begin my day with a light breakfast with my husband (without a pre-breakfast meltdown!), followed by a massage, coffee with a friend, and end the evening with dinner with my best friends, parents, and hubby! Next Saturday, I’ll celebrate with my family – my sister always bakes my favorite cake – white with cream cheese icing! I can’t wait for that deliciousness! And, of course on Sunday, I’ll go to church and then celebrate with more family. And, I have other celebrations that will continue through the month right through April 27….and, then….. I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and I’m gonna be brave and begin a 30 day detox! Yikes! Yep….I’m gonna do it! No meat. No coffee. No microwave. No sugar. But lots of: whole foods, juices, smoothies, green tea, water, epsom salt baths, and 9 hours of sleep each night! And, at the end I hope to be completed REVIVED! This cleanse is a body, mind, and spirit. I know I need the body cleanse….I mean after 50 years of toxins, I’m fairly certain it can’t hurt! I desperately need to renew my mind and spirit….the entire reason I’m delving into this…I seek to deepen my faith so that I may come out shining my light even brighter for Christ. I am not ashamed to say I need this. I’ve burned my candle so many ways that there is absolutely no wick left….but the good news – the truth – is that getting back to THE TRUTH will fix it all. God uses ALL things for GOOD. He is calling me to be who HE designed me to be. I am not identified by my job, by my earthly father, by my marriage…my identity is in JESUS and He is the author of this girls story. I choose to quit bossing Him around and give him back the pen to continue this story. Come along with me, if you wish. I plan to journal this journey. All for His glory and honor, and to help someone.
~In His Love~