Change ~ it ain’t easy!

It’s been several weeks since you heard from me.  There’s been a lot going on!  My husband’s health has declined some which has had me perplexed, focused, and prayerful.  This is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.  I don’t like seeing him struggle.  And, don’t get me wrong, he has not worsened to the point of hospice or even hospitalization, for that matter, but he has declined.  He’s at a point where he is noticing the change and struggling emotionally with finding a new “norm”.  Which means, I am struggling for finding our new “norm”.  We have had many in-depth conversations about what is happening.  To remind you, he has a progressive lung disease, that is terminal.  Currently, he is going through tests.  He has the next test in a few weeks which will hopefully give the medical team a clearer insight into how to treat him so his quality of life may be improved, or at the very least, maintained for some time to come.

Several year’s ago I stepped out and made this blog public.  That just changed!  I’m sorry, but from in the future you will need to be an “approved” viewer/follower.  I hope that doesn’t discourage any of you from reading.  Actually, I’m hoping it will encourage some of my closer friends to become a follower.  My reason in changing the security setting is I want to share this journey with you, I need to and I need you!  I want to remain creative in this way and hope that one day and I may have courage to open it back up for public viewing – at which time other’s will be able to read all of this from an archived stand point.

Have I mentioned this journey is hard?  It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.  Don’t mistake my mention of how hard this is and jump to the conclusion that I’m worrying and not relying on our God for strength.  Or, don’t go thinking that I’m not remaining hopeful – there’s always HOPE in JESUS! And, don’t go thinking that I’ve already got him dead and buried just because I’m a little fearful of that – ok….a lot fearful of that!  Just please don’t judge me in this.  I invite you to do two things:

  1.  PRAY!  Oh, please pray for me.  Pray for him.  Pray for us!  Pray that we keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.  That we make decisions that will glorify Him.  And, that we continue to be strong, yet honest, and get comfortable with being vulnerable.
  2. WALK!  That’s right….walk BESIDE me….don’t try to lead me, don’t try to be a cheerleader, don’t try to tell me how to feel, don’t tell me that I should/shouldn’t feel a certain way.  JUST BE!  BE with me!  Walk beside me.  Hold my hand.  Hug me.  JUST BE!

I’m blessed to have a friend that has walked this road I am currently walking.  My heart broke for her during it, continues to break for her as she learns her new normal without her spouse, but marvels at her strength, courage, and grace.  While I hate she had to go first in this, I’m blessed that she’s willing to share with me, encourage me, sometimes sets me straight, and sometimes is just quiet.  That’s God completely!  He shows me daily how He is leading this journey.  And, for THAT, I’m so grateful.

So, please come along….but know that I understand if you just can’t….it’s o.k.  One thing I’m learning on this journey is to give grace….grace for other’s and grace for myself.  And, to spend A LOT of time on my knees and in the word….that’s what carries me – HE carries me!


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